Owner's Guide For Cats

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.




CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.




COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.




FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.





MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.




TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.


Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

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Famous Cat Quotes "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Unknown "Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols Dogs and cats are better than kids because they*: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college. 11. And finally,...If they get pregnant, you can sell their children *This list is from http://www.petplace.com/.

March 1st, 2007