RULES FOR HOUSE CATS
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door
opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may
also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks
get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, when
it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the
mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed
chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an
Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good
substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it
is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human. Especially effective places
to strike are:
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps
with improving their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two
(or more) of you, get sandwich the human putting off the most
heat. They will try and squirm, but your sheer numbers and
inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping" though humans refer to it as "hampering."
The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance
of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book. It is best to lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the
most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or
at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so
often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The
worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim
is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make
great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind
the aim: to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to
the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time,
push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
